Bite them or not

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much.."

Engineer v/s Manager

Once upon a time, a man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make use of your information. The fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault!!"

What is love?

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.

But the rule is: - you can go through them only once & cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.

Then he saw another bigger one... but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he starts to realise that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he knew he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.

So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, "...this is love... you keep looking for better ones, but when later you realise, you have already missed the person ...."*

*"What is marriage then?" the student asked.

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium sized corn that he felt satisfied, and came back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.... you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.... this is marriage."*

Before I came to university, I wish I had known

...That it didn't matter how my first lecture was, I'd still sleep through it.
...That I could change so much and barely realize it.
...That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
...No matter how 'cool' you were in school, no one here cares.
...That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up
...That every clock on campus shows a different time.
...That if you got good a-levels, so what? It doesn't matter here.
...That I would go to a party the night before an exam or essay due-date.
...That Chem Labs/Architecture studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.
...That you can know everything and fail a test.
...That you can know nothing and ace a test.
...That I could get used to almost anything found out about my friends.
...That most of my education would be obtained outside of lectures.
...That friendship is more than getting drunk together but that's still funny....
...That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
...That Psychology is really Biology, that Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Maths.
...That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
...That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.

You know you've been in university too long when

...You actually like doing laundry at home where the washing machines work.
...Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
...You'd rather clean than study especially if an essay is due.
..."Oh shit how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
...Parents' cooking become something you desire, not avoid.
...You schedule your classes around sleep habits and Day-time T.V. especially Neighboring chicks.
...You know the pizza boy by name and don't even need to read the menu.
...You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
...You live for getting mail.
...Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
...Prank phone calls become funny again.
...You start thinking and sounding like your friends and your accent becomes a hybrid of West Country, Surrey and general Northern.
...Highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
...Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
...Rubbish cheap £1 shops are so cool.
...The weekend lasts from Thursday to Monday.

Why university is like KG

1. You cry to go home.
2. You cross the street without looking for cars.
3. Snack time is a necessity.
4. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do.
5. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
6. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
7. You wear big mittens.
8. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
9. You take naps.
10. You look forward to cheese toasties.

Playing Daddy

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

"I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"