Hillarious Military Instructions

"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." -US Marine Corps

"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop.

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual

"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." -Infantry Journal

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS." -Infantry Journal

"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." -David Hackworth

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." -Infantry Journal

"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." -Joe Gay

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE." -Anon

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." -Infantry Journal

"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

Astronaut Neil Armstrong said

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at nasa though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut
however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned armstrong as to what the "good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.

His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good s**t."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh s**t, what the hell happened?"

Bonus: 26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it too

Additional Warning Labels on Alcohol

13. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

11. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.

7. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

6. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

4. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

And must warning for alcohol all(Male and female) consumers
1. Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

When commentators fumble

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the 2004 Summer Olympics that they would like to take back

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Good Manners

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite! ! ! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Johny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

Matrimonial Ads

A news paper had a HUMOUR page with the following matrimonial published in it.

1.Banker: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

2.Car Mechanic: Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition.
Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.

3.Doctor: Recently a love-bug injected in me strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.
I’m looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills ands pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it Anasin, Metasin, or Crocin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects.
Apply or reply

4.Drunkard: Wanted a girl. Girl’s father should preferably have a soda factory.
I’m an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come home.
Friends come home only seven days in a week.
Girl preferred will carry me from bar to ghar-bar.
Meet personally or send soda for trial sample should be ample.

5.Lawer:I hereby beg to solicit myself s an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.
The person whom I’m looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of my Lord i.e. my self.
Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if and if you have the confidence.

6.Software Engineer: Wanted a girl a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUL with Security features ( Privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionality).
There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her. Low Bugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build.
She must not be platform independent and should be user friendly
We are ready to test the Application & certify the product but we will assure it will never be released to any other Customer.

7.Soldier: wanted a Dulhan in SHAPE (1) .She must know the family drills perfectly. Must be able to command a family section.
If you are blended perfectly with the latest in hi-technology, training techniques and strategic doctrines in home management, then you are very special person for my brigade.
Do YOU have it in you ?