Nun On The Bus

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.

The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway.

"Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you."he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God."she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.

The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.

When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus."

With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

How to Make - 1

It's really not difficult...

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
17. a psychologist
18. a pest exterminator
19. a psychiatrist
20. a healer
20. a good listener
22. an organizer
23. A good father
24. Very clean
25. Sympathetic
26. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

How to Make - 2

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

Provide him with

1. Good food;

2. Sex

Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house,down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar : "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- He's trying to catch up on his sleep.

"Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Honesty

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north AB out 9 months ago ?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Daytime Affair

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope......... Just when it's raining".

Really Great Lover

A woman puts an ad in the paper for a husband. In her ad she includes the three things that she's looking for in a husband:

1. She wants a man who won't beat her.
2. She wants a man that won't leave her.
3. She wants a really great lover.

A few days later the doorbell rings. The woman opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair on her porch. She says, "How may I help you?"

He replies that he is there to answer her ad in the paper.

She says, "Oh, but I am looking for a man that won't beat me."
He replies, "I have no arms. How can I beat you?"

She says, "Ok, but I want someone who won't leave me."
And he replies, "I have no legs and if you take away my wheelchair I can't even move. How could I leave you?

She nods her head and says, "Well, what I really want is a great lover."
The man looks at her and says, "Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell???"