Dec 13, 2008

Driving Styles

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy

One hand on horn,
One hand on holding gear,
One ear listening to loud music,
One ear on cell phone,
One foot on accelerator,
One foot on clutch,
Nothing on brake,
Eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to India


Dec 12, 2008

Surgeon Opinions

An Ontario surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

A Quebec surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

A B.C. surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best - everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

An Alberta surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But a Newfie surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."


Dec 11, 2008

World War II

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"


Dec 10, 2008

Nymphomaniac in Car

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"


Dec 9, 2008

Gift from Italy

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said

"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"

Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously intelligent!

From our dear friend,


Dec 8, 2008

Things Not to Say - VI

Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?


Dec 7, 2008

Things Not to Say - V

Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.