Why did you die

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.

His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! Why did you die?"

Texas Oil Man

"Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce," the big Texan boomed to his attorney. "That wife of mine ain't behavin' right. She's MY woman and she's supposed to do what I say."

"Well, R.J., a wife isn't exactly property, you know," the lawyer said. "You don't own her the way you own an oil well."

"Maybe not," R.J. conceded, "but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights."

A penny for your thought

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

Truth in the Innocence

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The copper said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

Guessing Games

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

Butt Size of a Grill

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill."

Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt."Yep," he said," just what I thought, just about the same size."

The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.

She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

That’s Your Sister

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, ?Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.?

The father explained, ?No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.?

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!?