Ever-Noticed

…that companies invariably wait until an employee’s retirement dinner to tell him what a fantastic man he is?

…that people who forget to turn off their car headlights always remember to lock their doors?

…that in traffic the man in front of you is sightseeing while the man behind you wants to race?

…that young people who expect instant gratification in every thing else are willing to stand in line all night for rock-show tickets?

…that the weaker the arguments, the stronger the words?

…that the first piece of luggage out of the airport baggage chute never belongs to anybody?

…that the shortest line becomes the slowest line once you choose it?

…that the last key in the bunch usually opens the lock?

…that the first person who gets off a crowded elevator is always standing in the back?

Expecting Snow Today

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through'.

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again. The radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...'

Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I park on so the snowploughs can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says...

'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.'

Perfect Man

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,

'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.'

Perks of being over 65

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you????'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Making A Baby

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.

Please come in and have a seat'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted....

Headache

The doctor said, 'Dick, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on Your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Dick was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Dick laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Dick tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.

As Dick admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a New shirt?'

Dick thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Dick and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Dick was surprised, That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Dick tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Dick walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,' How about some new underwear?'

Dick thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'

Dick laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

Beggar

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him.

But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, 'I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you.'

'I would have bought a cup of tea', replied the beggar.

The man said, 'Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea'. He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, 'I don't smoke as it is injurious to health.'

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, 'Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good'.

The beggar refused by saying, 'Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver'.

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, 'I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone'.

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, 'Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit.'

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, 'Why do you want me to go to your house with you'.

The man replied, 'My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like.'