What women would do

What women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

One Liners

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.

Funny Blonde Jokes - V

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both fucked.

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Blowjob.

7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Blowjob.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

The Perfect Day - Her

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

0 to 200

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Divorce can wait

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her, "Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I.

Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep...in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month alone!"

"Well, why don't you dump the bastard?!?" her friend said.

To which the wife replied, "Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds."