Monkey and Cue Ball

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. "He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Use Condom

Two very senior ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the heck is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Boarding the Train

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

"For those of you, who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Fuckin Chocolate

A man went to the store and asked the female cashier behind the counter, "Do you have any chocolate ice cream?" The cashier replies, "No we are out of chocolate ice cream."

So the man asks, "Can I get a gallon of chocolate ice cream?" The cashier says, "No! we are out of chocolate ice cream."

The man asks, 'Can I get a half gallon of chocolate ice cream." The cashier, getting frustrated, says "No! we are out of it."

The man asks, "Can I get a pint of chocolate ice cream?"
So the cashier says, "Sir, can you spell the van in vanilla?"
He says, "Yes! V-a-n."
The cashier says, "Can you spell the straw in strawberry?"
He says, "Yes, S-t-r-a-w."
The cashier says, "Can you spell the fuck in chocolate?" The man thinks and says, "Hey! there is no fuck in chocolate!"

The cashier says, "Right! That's what I been trying to tell you! There is no fuckin chocolate!"

Diagonostic Computer

A man with a strong muscular pain in his shoulder goes to a pharmacy that announced a computer that was supposed to diagnose anything, all you had to do was give it a urine sample and five bucks.

So the man gives it the urine sample and the five bucks, the computer starts making noises and finally prints a paper that says:

"You have a small muscular tear up in your shoulder, bathe it with hot salty water, don't make any physical efforts and in a couple of weeks you'll feel better"

Later that day, the same man wondered if the computer could be fooled, so he mixed some tap water, some dog crap, urine from his daughter and his wife and finally, he masturbated and added some of his semen to the strange mix.

With all this as the urine sample, the man returned to the pharmacy, put the sample and the five bucks in the computer and waited for the analysis to come out.

The printed analysis was:

"- Your water is not suitable for human consumption, you should buy a purifier.
- Your dog has parasites, get him to a vet
- Your daughter is on drugs, you should get her to a rehab institution
- Your wife is pregnant, but not from you, get a lawyer
- Your sperm count is very low, and if you don't stop masturbating that shoulder will never heal..."

Harley-Davidson

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:"

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."