tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23521661657684459292024-02-07T11:30:25.534+05:30Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Short Jokes, SMS Jokes and One Liners - Jokes of The WeekAdult jokes, Blonde jokes, Naughty jokes, Sex jokes, Dirty jokes, Clean jokes, Funny jokes, Naughty jokes & one liners at jokesoftheweek.blogspot.comPrashant Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06151079207967115469noreply@blogger.comBlogger349125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-75807970446985494142015-10-28T13:34:00.002+05:302015-10-28T13:34:43.670+05:30Love Making Tips For Seniors<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">With no offense, check Love Making Tips For Seniors</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> Put on your glasses.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span>Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span>Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span>Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span>Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span>Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span>Keep extra Poli-Grip closeby so your teeth don't end up under the bed.</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span>Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span>Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span>If it works, email everyone you know with the good news.<br /></span><b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">==> </span></span>Don't even think about trying it twice! <==<==</span></b></div>
Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-70844225838420488082015-10-15T10:25:00.001+05:302015-10-15T10:25:45.231+05:30Best Toast of the Night!!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">The
next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />She said,
"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."</span></span></span></div>
</div>
Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-25507982835089173322015-10-13T10:48:00.000+05:302015-10-13T10:48:03.440+05:30That Darn Pill...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">A senior couple decides to try viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">In
the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you
like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit
juice and coffee?"</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">He
declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."</span></span></div>
<div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></div>
<div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Come
dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">He declines again.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Well," she says, </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span>"<strong>Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!</strong>"</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-50781483723566754902015-10-12T13:55:00.000+05:302015-10-12T13:55:01.001+05:30Two aliens on earth and...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">Again, there was no response.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him about 200 feet into a cactus patch leaving him singed and injured.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder, then stick it in his ear.' </span></span></div>
</div>
Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-13875757397659529612015-10-09T12:25:00.003+05:302015-10-09T12:25:38.906+05:30Sex on Sabbath?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.<br />After consulting the bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."<br /><br />The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"<br /><br />So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.<br />He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!<br /><br /><br />Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.<br />In other words, he goes to a rabbi.<br /><br />The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." <br /><br />The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."</span></div>
Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-35727334038176211192015-10-08T15:41:00.002+05:302015-10-08T15:41:25.355+05:30किरायेदार...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: ChalkboardSE-Regular; font-size: 18px;"></span><br />
<div>
सत्तर
साल के एक बूढ़े ने बीस साल की एक लड़की से शादी की तो उसके दोस्त ने उसे
लानत देते हुए कहा,"इस उम्र में शादी करने की क्या सूझी थी? अब किसी को
अपना मकान किराये पर मत देना।"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
बूढे ने सिर हिला दिया।</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
कुछ महीने बाद उनकी दोबारा मुलाक़ात हुई तो दोस्त ने पूछा,"तुम्हारी पत्नी का क्या हाल है?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
बूढ़ा: उसे बच्चा होने वाला है।</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
दोस्त: कमाल है!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
बूढ़ा: इसमें कमाल की क्या बात है?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
दोस्त: कोई किरायेदार तो नहीं रखा।</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
बूढ़ा: रखा नहीं, रखी थी।</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
दोस्त: फिर।</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
बूढ़ा: अब उसको भी बच्चा होने वाला है। </div>
</div>
Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-5237266497554841522015-10-07T13:51:00.000+05:302015-10-07T13:51:58.982+05:30Midget marrys to...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">A midget gets married to a regular sized girl and they go on their
honeymoon. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how was his
honeymoon. He said, "It was OK but I was a little disappointed." His
friend asks him why he was disappointed. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">He replies, "Well, when we were
nose to nose, my toes were in it. When we were toes to toes, my nose
was in it. And when I was in it, there was no one to talk to."</span></div>
Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-4013802499390997862010-06-01T16:57:00.002+05:302010-06-01T17:00:21.821+05:30The Differences Between Men and Women - V<span style="font-weight: bold;">Toys</span><br />Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Plants</span><br />A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Cameras</span><br />Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jewelry</span><br />Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-9449270547396459672010-06-01T16:55:00.000+05:302010-06-01T16:56:10.730+05:30The Differences Between Men and Women - IV<span style="font-weight: bold;">Mirrors</span><br />Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Telephone</span><br />Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Directions</span><br />If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.” and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store.”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Admitting Mistakes</span><br />Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-30675494102712673622010-06-01T16:54:00.000+05:302010-06-01T16:55:04.926+05:30The Differences Between Men and Women - III<span style="font-weight: bold;">Laundry</span><br />Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Socks</span><br />Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Nicknames</span><br />If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Eating Out</span><br />… and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-1164443016211552472010-06-01T16:52:00.001+05:302010-06-01T16:59:52.485+05:30The Differences Between Men and Women - II<span style="font-weight: bold;">Shoes</span><br />When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Leg Warmers</span><br />A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Going Out</span><br />When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup…<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Cats</span><br />Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Offspring</span><br />Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dressing Up</span><br />A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail etc. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-30986780874669421262010-06-01T16:48:00.002+05:302010-06-01T16:59:10.806+05:30The Differences Between Men and Women - I<span style="font-weight: bold;">Relationships</span><br />When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.<br /><br />A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Maturity</span><br />Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Handwriting</span><br />To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bathrooms</span><br />A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Groceries</span><br />A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-9483240300778021562010-06-01T16:47:00.000+05:302010-06-01T16:48:18.673+05:30I’m Glad I’m A WomanI’m Glad I’m A Woman<br />I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am<br />I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam<br />I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections<br />I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions<br />I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown<br />and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!<br /><br />I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt<br />my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut<br />and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch<br />or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch<br />I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind<br />I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!<br /><br />I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing<br />I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting<br />It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back<br />When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack<br />And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb<br />I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome<br />Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side<br />I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!<br /><br />And I honestly think its a privilege for me<br />to have these two boobs and squat when I pee<br />I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball<br />I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal<br />I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand<br />stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band<br />or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep<br />then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!<br /><br />Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see<br />you can forget all about that old penis envy<br />I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks<br />join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick<br />I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true<br />I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-63009904824782956412010-06-01T16:44:00.000+05:302010-06-01T16:47:40.811+05:30I’m Glad I’m A ManI’m Glad I’m A Man<br />I’m Glad I’m A Man<br />I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.<br />I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese<br />I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts<br />I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west<br />I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers<br />and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.<br /><br />I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,<br />I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair<br />and I don’t go around checking my reflection<br />in everything shiny from every direction.<br />I don’t whine in public and make us leave early<br />and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.<br /><br />I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing<br />I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.<br />I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back<br />I don’t carry our differences into the sack.<br />I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you<br />or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.<br />I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too<br />I know what the time is and I know what to do.<br /><br />And I honestly think its a privilege for me<br />to have these two balls and stand when I pee<br />I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball<br />It’s more fun than dealing with women after all<br />I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work<br />I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.<br />Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure<br />I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.<br /><br />Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see<br />I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery<br />I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days<br />I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise<br />I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true<br />I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-61176873625488909982010-05-10T19:15:00.002+05:302010-05-10T19:16:32.582+05:30Love Making PoemTyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, “Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?”<br /><br />Robert replied, “That’s because I make love to my wife every morning before work.”<br /><br />Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.<br /><br />“That’s easy,” Robert said. “I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.<br /><br />It goes like this: “Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!”<br /><br />Tyrone said, “Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental.” But he decided it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!<br /><br />Robert asked, “Man, what happened to you?!”<br /><br />Tyrone said, “I don’t know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.”<br /><br />“Well, what poem did you tell her?”<br /><br />Tyrone said: “Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I’d hump you like a dog!”Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-15678145773129295392010-05-10T19:13:00.000+05:302010-05-10T19:14:37.578+05:30Three Types Of BrasA man walked into the ladies department of a Belk’s Depaortment store. He reluctantly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”<br /><br />“What type of bra?”, asked the clerk. “Type?”, inquired the man “There is more than one type?”. “Look Around.”, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras.”, replied the salesclerk.<br /><br />Confused, the man asked, “Only three? What are they?” The saleslady replied “The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”.<br /><br />Still confused the man asked “What is the difference between them?”. The lady responded “It is quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-45315615578710955892010-05-10T19:12:00.000+05:302010-05-10T19:13:18.517+05:30Do The ScrewIt’s the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Mary Jane’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Lewis.<br /><br />Mary Jane’s father asks Lewis what they’re planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.<br /><br />Mary Jane’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it.”<br /><br />Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Mary Jane’s father, “Mary Jane really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”<br /><br />Well, this just made Lewis’ eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.<br /><br />About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:<br /><br />“Dammit Daddy! It’s called the TWIST!”Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-92094333831847952212010-05-10T19:09:00.001+05:302010-05-10T19:09:44.548+05:30Potty Mouths For BreakfastA 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cursing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.<br /><br />When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,”You can stay there until I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-4033718121767728162010-05-10T19:07:00.000+05:302010-05-10T19:08:56.012+05:30Greatest Baseball Player In The WorldA little kid was overheard talking to himself as he walked through his backyard, wearing his baseball cap and carrying a bat and ball, “I’m the greatest batter in the world,” he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.<br /><br />“Strike One!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, “I’m the greatest swinger in the world!” He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. “Strike Two!” he cried.<br /><br />The boy paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully, surely there must be something wrong with one of them. Satisfied it was a fluke, he spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and boasted - this time, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”<br /><br />Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. “Strike Three!”<br /><br />“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world.Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-77417969845651928862010-05-10T15:00:00.000+05:302010-05-10T19:12:38.670+05:30Things You Probably Shouldn’t Say To A Police OfficerIf you’re ever pulled over for speeding (or any other reason really), you probably shouldn’t say any of the following to the officer standing at your window…<br /><br />* I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.<br />* Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.<br />* Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, so long as one of us does.<br />* Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!<br />* I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.<br />* Hey pal, I pay your salary!<br />* Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?<br />* Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!<br />* You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?<br />* When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-47427679542710000812010-05-10T14:57:00.000+05:302010-05-10T19:11:59.889+05:30Amazing Story Of Man and ElephantIn 1988, Steve Jennings was on vacation in Australia after graduating from Southeastern University. During a hike through the Outback, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air as if it was in pain.<br /><br />The elephant seemed distressed, so Steve approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Steve worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.<br /><br />The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Steve stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Steve never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.<br /><br />Twenty years later, Steve was walking through the Atlanta Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Steve and his son Nicolas were standing. The large elephant stared at Steve, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.<br /><br />Remembering the encounter in 1988, Steve couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Steve summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.<br /><br />The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Steve’s legs and slammed his dumb ass against the railing, killing him instantly.<br /><br /><br />Probably wasn’t the same elephant.Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-68765813510325141502010-04-21T18:06:00.001+05:302010-04-21T18:06:51.122+05:30“Let There Be Bridge”A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”<br /><br />The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”<br /><br />The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”<br /><br />The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-34752963964082778592010-04-21T18:04:00.000+05:302010-04-21T18:05:29.701+05:30Curious ThirteenA bright young man was walking down a road in his neighborhood and, as he walked past a red building with a tall white fence around it, he heard a crowd of people chanting “Twelve, twelve, twelve” over and over again…<br /><br />Curiosity getting the best of him, he tried to look up over the fence to see what was going on but it was too tall. Alas, he spotted a hole in the wood.<br /><br />He put his eye to the hole. He had just managed to see some old people sitting on lawnchairs chanting when a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye! As he staggered back, the old people begain chanting, “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen…”Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-34732234032372174652010-04-21T18:02:00.000+05:302010-04-21T18:04:22.342+05:30The Darn KidsA local farmer just outside of town grew watermelons for a living, and he was doing quite well but was being hassled by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch late at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.<br /><br />He made a big sign and posted it right in the middle of the watermelon field. The next day the kids show up to eat and found the a sign that read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”<br /><br />Feeling violated, the kids made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign, then ran off. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2352166165768445929.post-63167747302919680132010-04-21T17:45:00.000+05:302010-04-21T17:46:11.328+05:30Dead Daddy Long LegsA little girl was playing in the garden next to her father when she noticed two large spiders on top of each other, apparently mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.<br /><br />“They’re mating,” her father replied.<br /><br />“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.<br /><br />“That’s a daddy long legs,” her father answered.<br /><br />“So, the other one is a mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.<br /><br />“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy long legs.”<br /><br />The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.<br /><br />“Well, we’re not having any of THAT in our garden.”Jokerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14259307179566285111noreply@blogger.com0