The Difference

This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the back porch when the old lady reached over and knocked the old man out of his chair.

The old man got up, sat back down in his chair and said, "What was that for?"

The old lady said, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

A couple minutes later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady out of her chair. She got up and said, "What was that for?"

The old man said, "That's for knowing the difference."

University Sweatshirts

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H". The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Mid-life Crises

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey - 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10" black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a HOT 25 years old blonde! Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10" black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

They're Finally Together

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?

The friend replied, "I think he means... her legs."

Small Breast

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Cut Off Your Dick

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?"

The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire."

Black Condom

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to each other and, after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses, as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties?'

She replies: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario -- her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: 'What's with the black condom?'



He replies: 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'