Before I came to university, I wish I had known

...That it didn't matter how my first lecture was, I'd still sleep through it.
...That I could change so much and barely realize it.
...That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
...No matter how 'cool' you were in school, no one here cares.
...That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up
...That every clock on campus shows a different time.
...That if you got good a-levels, so what? It doesn't matter here.
...That I would go to a party the night before an exam or essay due-date.
...That Chem Labs/Architecture studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.
...That you can know everything and fail a test.
...That you can know nothing and ace a test.
...That I could get used to almost anything found out about my friends.
...That most of my education would be obtained outside of lectures.
...That friendship is more than getting drunk together but that's still funny....
...That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
...That Psychology is really Biology, that Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Maths.
...That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
...That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.

You know you've been in university too long when

...You actually like doing laundry at home where the washing machines work.
...Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
...You'd rather clean than study especially if an essay is due.
..."Oh shit how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
...Parents' cooking become something you desire, not avoid.
...You schedule your classes around sleep habits and Day-time T.V. especially Neighboring chicks.
...You know the pizza boy by name and don't even need to read the menu.
...You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
...You live for getting mail.
...Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
...Prank phone calls become funny again.
...You start thinking and sounding like your friends and your accent becomes a hybrid of West Country, Surrey and general Northern.
...Highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
...Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
...Rubbish cheap £1 shops are so cool.
...The weekend lasts from Thursday to Monday.

Why university is like KG

1. You cry to go home.
2. You cross the street without looking for cars.
3. Snack time is a necessity.
4. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do.
5. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
6. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
7. You wear big mittens.
8. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
9. You take naps.
10. You look forward to cheese toasties.

Final Exam

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

University Sweatshirts

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H". The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

How is Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

Exam Paper

At Duke University there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth five points. Cool, they thought!

Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page.

On the second page was written....For 95 points: Which tire?

An Hour of Pleasure

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"