Sep 1, 2007

Mix Jokes

One guy asks the other: Hey, have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman?
The second guy says: No, but I’ve woken up with plenty

A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her profession.
Prostitute: I’m a social engineer.
Policeman: What do u do?
Prostitute: I build & destroy erections

Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer doesn’t laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.

A Kiwi farmer was counting his sheeps: “205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210….”

When a man of 60 marries a girl of 21, it’s like buying a book for someone else to read.

The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

A French and a Brit gynecologist were chatting.
French: Just last week there was this woman, her cliotris was like a melon.
Brit: That’s a lie, she wouldn’t be able to walk if it was.
French: You Brits always talk about size; I was talking about the taste.

Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week.
Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months.

A female Press Reporter slaps Santa. Banta standing near asks Santa: Y did she slapped u?
Santa: On her T-shirt was written ‘Press’, so I just pressed…

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Aug 31, 2007

WHERE AM I

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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Aug 30, 2007

Why Men Are Just Happier People - 4

You can play with toys all your life

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

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Aug 29, 2007

Why Men Are Just Happier People - 3

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

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Aug 28, 2007

Why Men Are Just Happier People - 2

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood - all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

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Aug 27, 2007

Why Men Are Just Happier People - 1

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tells you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

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Aug 26, 2007

Different Women

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her good night.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 karatring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in.
One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her bro and all his kids their, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The "POINT" .......DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

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