Gorilla

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW."

Sent by our dear friend,
Nikhil

Dead Cow

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Pierre the Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,

"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Chinese Torture

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers.

The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.

The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window.

On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window.

On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

Genie In A Bottle

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

Effects De Viagra

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said,

"Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Packs of Condom

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.....