Different English

Women's English:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me.

How to call police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

How is Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

Man to woman

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, then stopped at the bank to make a deposit. He went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, then sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for dinner. After dinner, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed - where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Load of hay

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

'You look hot, my son,' said the cleric. 'why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.'

'No thanks,' said the young man.

'My father wouldn't like it.'

'Don't be silly,' the minister said.

'Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.'

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, 'Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!'

'Well,' replied the young farmer, 'he's under the load of hay.'

Marriage one liners

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

--------------------------------------------

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

--------------------------------------------

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

--------------------------------------------

A man, who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest. A man who surrenders when not Sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a Husband.

--------------------------------------------

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

--------------------------------------------

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it.

--------------------------------------------

Dear God

These are some of the note written by kids.

Dear God :
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You keep the ones You already have?

Dear God :
May be Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.

Dear God :
I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.

Dear God:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?

Dear God :
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God:
Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God:
Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God :
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?

Dear God:
Did You really mean 'do unto others as they do unto you'? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God:
Thank You for the baby brother, but I think you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God:
You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

Dear God :
I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God:
Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?

Dear God:
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

Dear God:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.