Love Making Tips For Seniors

With no offense, check Love Making Tips For Seniors

==> Put on your glasses.

==> Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.


==> Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

==> Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

==> Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

==> Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
 
==> Keep extra Poli-Grip closeby so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 
==> Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 
==> Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
 
==> If it works, email everyone you know with the good news.
==> ==> Don't even think about trying it twice! <==<==

That Darn Pill...

A senior couple decides to try viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together.

 

In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

 

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again.

"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, 

"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

Sex on Sabbath?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!


Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to a rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
.
.
.
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

I’m Glad I’m A Woman

I’m Glad I’m A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

I’m Glad I’m A Man

I’m Glad I’m A Man
I’m Glad I’m A Man
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.

I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.

Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

Love Making Poem

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, “Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?”

Robert replied, “That’s because I make love to my wife every morning before work.”

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.

“That’s easy,” Robert said. “I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.

It goes like this: “Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!”

Tyrone said, “Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental.” But he decided it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!

Robert asked, “Man, what happened to you?!”

Tyrone said, “I don’t know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.”

“Well, what poem did you tell her?”

Tyrone said: “Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I’d hump you like a dog!”

Do The Screw

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Mary Jane’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Lewis.

Mary Jane’s father asks Lewis what they’re planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Mary Jane’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Mary Jane’s father, “Mary Jane really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Lewis’ eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

“Dammit Daddy! It’s called the TWIST!”

Dead Daddy Long Legs

A little girl was playing in the garden next to her father when she noticed two large spiders on top of each other, apparently mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a daddy long legs,” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy long legs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

“Well, we’re not having any of THAT in our garden.”

Before you leave

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled, So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

Understanding Relationships

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL- Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around young children.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man..

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

I Bet...

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slapped a ten on the table and says, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Joe took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Joe challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Joe lifted her skirt & away they went.

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Joe said, "You win some, you lose some !!"

Paying The Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

“Dear Madam:

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :

“Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.”

Hitman

Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured “sure, why not,” as they haven’t played with anyone else in quite some time.

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.

The stranger said “No really, I’m hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don’t believe me, I’ve never been dishonest.”

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?”

“Sure,” said the stranger.

So the man looked around for a second and said “HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too! And he’s in my room!”

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The man said “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.”

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He’s looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he’s waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, “Just hold on a minute… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”

I need a man...

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too..."

Does heart have legs?

One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching about the heart.

After she had finished she said, "If any one has any doubts about what I have taught please ask."

Little Johny stands up and asks, Teacher, does the heart have legs?"

She replies, "no it doesn't. What makes you ask such a question?"

He says "Last night when I went into my parents bedroom I over heard my dad saying SWEET HEART spread your LEGS.

Can I be pregnant?

A ten year old girl rushes to her grandmother and asks her, “Can I be pregnant?"

Grandmother, "Are you fooling. You can not be pregnant. Go and play out side."

The girl then goes to grandfather and asks him the same question and the reply also is the same.

The girl goes to her father with the same question and gets a slap on her face with a same reply.

Finally she goes to her mother and asks her, “Mama, Can I be pregnant?"
Mama shouts at her “You madcap. You fool. You can not. Don't even think like that."

Girl comes out of her building to meet her twelve year old boy-friend and shouts at him, “See every body has confirmed that I can not be pregnant.

There is nothing to worry. You always worry unnecessarily. Come let us......."

Who Help?

A father with his curious son of seven years was walking on a calm road. Boy observed the sex of two dogs which had finally culminated in to locking and dragging them forward.

Boy being curious asks father, “Dad. What both the dogs are doing?

Dad is in trouble. He tells the boy, “My dear son, the dog who is on the top has fractured both his front legs. Hence the dog that is below him is helping him to take him to his home. Come-on do not look at them. Hurry up”

Boy replies, “Dad is it not surprising. That simply means like men, dogs also are ungrateful and fuck to the same, who try to help them out.”

Hot...Cold

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Take me...Take me

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.......

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him......"Take me.... young man... Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!!"...And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

Nymphomaniac in Car

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"