Two aliens on earth and...

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the  night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it  saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your  leader."

The  gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became  angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm  down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and  repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no  response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray  gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your  leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade  saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that  will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He  aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball  roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him about  200 feet into a cactus patch leaving him singed and injured.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three  eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser  alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What  a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.

'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,  'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never  mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder, then stick it in his  ear.'

Paying The Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

“Dear Madam:

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :

“Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.”

Miscommunication

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...

stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

Bite them or not

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much.."

Couple in Bed

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.

HE GOT THE JOB!!!