The Differences Between Men and Women - V

Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.

Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.

The Differences Between Men and Women - IV

Mirrors
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.” and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store.”

Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

The Differences Between Men and Women - III

Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”

Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating Out
… and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

The Differences Between Men and Women - II

Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Leg Warmers
A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.”

Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Offspring
Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail etc. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

The Differences Between Men and Women - I

Relationships
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Greatest Baseball Player In The World

A little kid was overheard talking to himself as he walked through his backyard, wearing his baseball cap and carrying a bat and ball, “I’m the greatest batter in the world,” he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

“Strike One!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, “I’m the greatest swinger in the world!” He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. “Strike Two!” he cried.

The boy paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully, surely there must be something wrong with one of them. Satisfied it was a fluke, he spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and boasted - this time, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. “Strike Three!”

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world.

Amazing Story Of Man and Elephant

In 1988, Steve Jennings was on vacation in Australia after graduating from Southeastern University. During a hike through the Outback, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air as if it was in pain.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Steve approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Steve worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Steve stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Steve never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Steve was walking through the Atlanta Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Steve and his son Nicolas were standing. The large elephant stared at Steve, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1988, Steve couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Steve summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Steve’s legs and slammed his dumb ass against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

Curious Thirteen

A bright young man was walking down a road in his neighborhood and, as he walked past a red building with a tall white fence around it, he heard a crowd of people chanting “Twelve, twelve, twelve” over and over again…

Curiosity getting the best of him, he tried to look up over the fence to see what was going on but it was too tall. Alas, he spotted a hole in the wood.

He put his eye to the hole. He had just managed to see some old people sitting on lawnchairs chanting when a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye! As he staggered back, the old people begain chanting, “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen…”

The Darn Kids

A local farmer just outside of town grew watermelons for a living, and he was doing quite well but was being hassled by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch late at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made a big sign and posted it right in the middle of the watermelon field. The next day the kids show up to eat and found the a sign that read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

Feeling violated, the kids made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign, then ran off. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”

Why I Pay You?

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary..

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

Barn Tales...

A lady barn keeper used to drive her cows to the farm, where a bull was kept to get them pregnant. On one such day, the farm keeper, a young lad and the girl happened to be standing and watching the bull in the act.

The boy says to the girl: "Gee! I wish I could do that." The girl answers: "Go ahead! I am not stopping you." The guy replies: "No ma’am! Perhaps the cow wouldn't like it."

Dont' Sleep With...

1. DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH

Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed
for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

2 DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA

Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

3 DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE

Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.

4 DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP

People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

5 DON'T SLEEP WITH SOMEONES' WIFE/HUSBAND
You may never wake up again.

Understanding Relationships

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL- Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around young children.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man..

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

Teeing Off With A Mercedes

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

“Mornin’ bye” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dey den, son?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on de good earth are dey for?” inquires the Newfie.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving” says Tiger.

“Freeckin Jaysus” says the Newfie, “Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything”.

Golf or ---?

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!”

A few weeks later it’s Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can’t even take her eyes off it.” Another friend says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.” The third friend replies “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car… reading the manual.” Silence from the fourth guy…

The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what’s it gonna be?” and she said “Take a sweater.”

Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?” The guy in the front said, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

Not Enough!!!

A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, “Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true.

Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but that in itself just isn’t enough to get you into Heaven.” The lawyer quickly retaliated, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.

Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?” Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

Divorce for this Christmas

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin Christmas this year, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

Restroom Conversation

So yesterday I was traveling down the interstate to visit family and I needed to use the restroom really bad, so I stopped at a rest area. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying “‘Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!” So the other guy says “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? By this point, I’m thinking it’s pretty bizarre that a stranger expects to conversate while taking a dump so I reply “Uhhh I’m probably like you, just traveling?” At this point I’m wanting to get the hell outta there as fast as I can when dude asks another question… “‘Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. Like, WTF! But I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
“Nah man, I’m a little busy right now!”

Right then, dead silence… then I hear the person say (kinda nervously) “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”

Insurance

Airman Jackson was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Haverty noticed that Airman Jackson was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jackson’s sales pitch.

Jackson explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they’re gonna send into battle first?”