I need a man...

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too..."

Who Help?

A father with his curious son of seven years was walking on a calm road. Boy observed the sex of two dogs which had finally culminated in to locking and dragging them forward.

Boy being curious asks father, “Dad. What both the dogs are doing?

Dad is in trouble. He tells the boy, “My dear son, the dog who is on the top has fractured both his front legs. Hence the dog that is below him is helping him to take him to his home. Come-on do not look at them. Hurry up”

Boy replies, “Dad is it not surprising. That simply means like men, dogs also are ungrateful and fuck to the same, who try to help them out.”

Nymphomaniac in Car

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

A Rope and Two Knots

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Gold Medalist

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

What men would do

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

What women would do

What women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

Mum's Legs

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

The Frog

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs.

The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.

Then she followed the instructions to the letter:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.

She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.

It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.

The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there."The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said,

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Snow

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a this black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you" the man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"

Nun On The Bus

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.

The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway.

"Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you."he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God."she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.

The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.

When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus."

With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

Daytime Affair

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope......... Just when it's raining".

Really Great Lover

A woman puts an ad in the paper for a husband. In her ad she includes the three things that she's looking for in a husband:

1. She wants a man who won't beat her.
2. She wants a man that won't leave her.
3. She wants a really great lover.

A few days later the doorbell rings. The woman opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair on her porch. She says, "How may I help you?"

He replies that he is there to answer her ad in the paper.

She says, "Oh, but I am looking for a man that won't beat me."
He replies, "I have no arms. How can I beat you?"

She says, "Ok, but I want someone who won't leave me."
And he replies, "I have no legs and if you take away my wheelchair I can't even move. How could I leave you?

She nods her head and says, "Well, what I really want is a great lover."
The man looks at her and says, "Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell???"

Cut Off Your Dick

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?"

The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire."

Black Condom

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to each other and, after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses, as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties?'

She replies: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario -- her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: 'What's with the black condom?'



He replies: 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'

I said "No F***"

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy (Homer) washes up on the shore. Homer and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols will have to be observed.

The husband, however, is very glad to see Homer there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

Homer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any ships.

Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.
Homer yells down: "Hey, no fucking!"
The couple looks at each other and yells back: "We're not fucking!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again Homer yells down: "Heeey, no fucking!"
Again they yell back, "We're not fucking!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof to their shack to patch leaks.
Once again Homer yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no fucking!!"
"We said we're not fucking!!"

Finally the shift is over and Homer climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's only half-way up when the wife and Homer are screwing their brains out.

Once at the top, the husband looks out from the tower and says "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're fucking."