Love Making Tips For Seniors

With no offense, check Love Making Tips For Seniors

==> Put on your glasses.

==> Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.


==> Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

==> Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

==> Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

==> Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
 
==> Keep extra Poli-Grip closeby so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 
==> Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 
==> Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
 
==> If it works, email everyone you know with the good news.
==> ==> Don't even think about trying it twice! <==<==

Snow

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a this black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you" the man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"

Survivor

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief..... "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store & bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again, she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady. " Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"

GUESS WHAT SHE SAID...

The blonde turned around and replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela,"