Upset Blonde

A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman from the third row stands on her chair and screams: “I’ve had just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?”

“What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?” she goes on to say… “It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large - all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde screams again, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little sh*t on your lap!”

Blonde At Western Union

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it’s urgent! I’ll do anything to get a message to her.”

The clerk replies “Anything?”

“Yes… ANYTHING!” replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. “Take it out”, says the clerk.”

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead and do it…” She brings her lips close to it and shouts “Hello? … Mom?”

Wet Problem

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.

When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.

After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

Hot...Cold

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First Visit

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

Knickerless

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

Virgin Husband

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: "Daughter, when you're in Town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful', 'thrifty' and must be a 'virgin'.

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they'll share one room only. Isn't he not thrifty guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin"

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repudiation. "MMM...his 'that one' is still new and hard.... All wrapped up in plastic, mum!"

John and His Boat

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer.

Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and.....

She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"

Mid-life Crises

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey - 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10" black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a HOT 25 years old blonde! Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10" black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

Blonde Painting the House

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Expecting Snow Today

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through'.

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again. The radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...'

Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I park on so the snowploughs can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says...

'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.'

Loading the Gun

A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video.

During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!"

You've got Blonde

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”