Love Making Tips For Seniors

With no offense, check Love Making Tips For Seniors

==> Put on your glasses.

==> Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.


==> Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

==> Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

==> Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

==> Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
 
==> Keep extra Poli-Grip closeby so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 
==> Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 
==> Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
 
==> If it works, email everyone you know with the good news.
==> ==> Don't even think about trying it twice! <==<==

Best Toast of the Night!!!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self.  You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.  Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

That Darn Pill...

A senior couple decides to try viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together.

 

In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

 

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again.

"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, 

"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

Two aliens on earth and...

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the  night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it  saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your  leader."

The  gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became  angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm  down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and  repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no  response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray  gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your  leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade  saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that  will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He  aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball  roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him about  200 feet into a cactus patch leaving him singed and injured.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three  eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser  alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What  a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.

'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,  'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never  mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder, then stick it in his  ear.'

Sex on Sabbath?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!


Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to a rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
.
.
.
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

किरायेदार...

सत्तर साल के एक बूढ़े ने बीस साल की एक लड़की से शादी की तो उसके दोस्त ने उसे लानत देते हुए कहा,"इस उम्र में शादी करने की क्या सूझी थी? अब किसी को अपना मकान किराये पर मत देना।"

बूढे ने सिर हिला दिया।

कुछ महीने बाद उनकी दोबारा मुलाक़ात हुई तो दोस्त ने पूछा,"तुम्हारी पत्नी का क्या हाल है?"

बूढ़ा: उसे बच्चा होने वाला है।

दोस्त: कमाल है!

बूढ़ा: इसमें कमाल की क्या बात है?

दोस्त: कोई किरायेदार तो नहीं रखा।

बूढ़ा: रखा नहीं, रखी थी।

दोस्त: फिर।

बूढ़ा: अब उसको भी बच्चा होने वाला है।  

Midget marrys to...

A midget gets married to a regular sized girl and they go on their honeymoon. 
When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how was his honeymoon. He said, "It was OK but I was a little disappointed." His friend asks him why he was disappointed. 

He replies, "Well, when we were nose to nose, my toes were in it. When we were toes to toes, my nose was in it. And when I was in it, there was no one to talk to."

The Differences Between Men and Women - V

Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.

Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.

The Differences Between Men and Women - IV

Mirrors
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.” and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store.”

Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

The Differences Between Men and Women - III

Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”

Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating Out
… and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

The Differences Between Men and Women - II

Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Leg Warmers
A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.”

Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Offspring
Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail etc. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

The Differences Between Men and Women - I

Relationships
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

I’m Glad I’m A Woman

I’m Glad I’m A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

I’m Glad I’m A Man

I’m Glad I’m A Man
I’m Glad I’m A Man
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.

I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.

Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

Love Making Poem

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, “Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?”

Robert replied, “That’s because I make love to my wife every morning before work.”

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.

“That’s easy,” Robert said. “I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.

It goes like this: “Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!”

Tyrone said, “Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental.” But he decided it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!

Robert asked, “Man, what happened to you?!”

Tyrone said, “I don’t know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.”

“Well, what poem did you tell her?”

Tyrone said: “Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I’d hump you like a dog!”

Three Types Of Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Belk’s Depaortment store. He reluctantly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?”, asked the clerk. “Type?”, inquired the man “There is more than one type?”. “Look Around.”, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras.”, replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked, “Only three? What are they?” The saleslady replied “The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”.

Still confused the man asked “What is the difference between them?”. The lady responded “It is quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

Do The Screw

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Mary Jane’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Lewis.

Mary Jane’s father asks Lewis what they’re planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Mary Jane’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Mary Jane’s father, “Mary Jane really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Lewis’ eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

“Dammit Daddy! It’s called the TWIST!”

Potty Mouths For Breakfast

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cursing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,”You can stay there until I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

Greatest Baseball Player In The World

A little kid was overheard talking to himself as he walked through his backyard, wearing his baseball cap and carrying a bat and ball, “I’m the greatest batter in the world,” he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

“Strike One!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, “I’m the greatest swinger in the world!” He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. “Strike Two!” he cried.

The boy paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully, surely there must be something wrong with one of them. Satisfied it was a fluke, he spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and boasted - this time, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. “Strike Three!”

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world.

Things You Probably Shouldn’t Say To A Police Officer

If you’re ever pulled over for speeding (or any other reason really), you probably shouldn’t say any of the following to the officer standing at your window…

* I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
* Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
* Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, so long as one of us does.
* Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
* I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
* Hey pal, I pay your salary!
* Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
* Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
* You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
* When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”