Love Making Tips For Seniors

With no offense, check Love Making Tips For Seniors

==> Put on your glasses.

==> Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.


==> Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

==> Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

==> Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

==> Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
 
==> Keep extra Poli-Grip closeby so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 
==> Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 
==> Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
 
==> If it works, email everyone you know with the good news.
==> ==> Don't even think about trying it twice! <==<==

Best Toast of the Night!!!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self.  You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.  Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

That Darn Pill...

A senior couple decides to try viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together.

 

In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

 

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again.

"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, 

"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

Two aliens on earth and...

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the  night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it  saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your  leader."

The  gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became  angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm  down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and  repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no  response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray  gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your  leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade  saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that  will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He  aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball  roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him about  200 feet into a cactus patch leaving him singed and injured.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three  eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser  alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What  a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.

'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,  'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never  mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder, then stick it in his  ear.'

Sex on Sabbath?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!


Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to a rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
.
.
.
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

किरायेदार...

सत्तर साल के एक बूढ़े ने बीस साल की एक लड़की से शादी की तो उसके दोस्त ने उसे लानत देते हुए कहा,"इस उम्र में शादी करने की क्या सूझी थी? अब किसी को अपना मकान किराये पर मत देना।"

बूढे ने सिर हिला दिया।

कुछ महीने बाद उनकी दोबारा मुलाक़ात हुई तो दोस्त ने पूछा,"तुम्हारी पत्नी का क्या हाल है?"

बूढ़ा: उसे बच्चा होने वाला है।

दोस्त: कमाल है!

बूढ़ा: इसमें कमाल की क्या बात है?

दोस्त: कोई किरायेदार तो नहीं रखा।

बूढ़ा: रखा नहीं, रखी थी।

दोस्त: फिर।

बूढ़ा: अब उसको भी बच्चा होने वाला है।  

Midget marrys to...

A midget gets married to a regular sized girl and they go on their honeymoon. 
When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how was his honeymoon. He said, "It was OK but I was a little disappointed." His friend asks him why he was disappointed. 

He replies, "Well, when we were nose to nose, my toes were in it. When we were toes to toes, my nose was in it. And when I was in it, there was no one to talk to."